I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
