Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
