EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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