meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
