Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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