Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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