from now on my penis is your penis
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
