why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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