My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
