we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
