Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
