I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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