I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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