shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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