the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
