If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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