I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
