this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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