i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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