The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
