If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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