For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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