"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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