i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
