1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
