yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
