Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
