When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
