I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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