I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
