you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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