I wish my penis had an off switch
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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