I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
