I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
