Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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