why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
No subtext here. People are naked.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
