And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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