So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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