So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
