If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
