just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
