Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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