I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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