I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
