proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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