I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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