we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
