I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
