dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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