I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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