This house was built for laser tag.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
