I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
