They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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