Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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