I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
