I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
