i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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