I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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