Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
